The Secret To A Great Marriage

(originally published August 23, 2015. My original blog, on Wordpress, was hacked in early 2016. All of the original posts, through January 2016, have been re-posted here on Blogger.)

My wife is awesome. Usually, there’s no need to state the obvious. But I received some feedback last week after I wrote about turning 50 and the life lessons I’ve learned from various people along the way. How come, several readers inquired, I didn’t include my wife? After all, if I could include Bob Dylan, then shouldn’t my wife merit at least a paragraph?

No, my wife does not merit a paragraph. A paragraph would be horribly inadequate. She merits at least a book. But in the meantime, a full blog post will have to suffice.

I could say so many things about our twenty-five years of marriage. How we’ve grown together, celebrated each other’s successes, supported each other when times looked bleak, listened and shared our dreams and hopes, and communicated so deeply that words didn’t need to be spoken.

That truly would take a book. For now, I’ll focus on only one thing – running.

Yes, running. That’s also something we share. When Gayle and I first met, I had run only the 1 ½ miles around the track required for my Air Force Basic Training and annual fitness test. Gayle, on the other hand, was running three miles several times a week. I started increasing my distance, hoping I could work up gradually to what at the time seemed like a very ambitious three miles (ha, ha).

We started running together. They say the family that prays together stays together. Very true. Although it doesn’t rhyme as well, it's also true that the family that runs together stays together. Our half-hour runs became a time for just the two of us – to tell the other about our day, and talk about issues ranging from what we would have for dinner to our upcoming wedding plans. Running became that built-in quality time that many spouses and parents so desperately crave but find so elusive.

For some reason, our running together is unique. I’ve met a few other couples over the years who both run. But only a few. Typically, one spouse runs and the other shows no interest. That’s perfectly fine, and there are many other activities couples can share. Still, I’m surprised not to find more running couples, because it’s a wonderful way to be a couple.

Over the years, as we continued running, we developed our stretch goals together. When the idea came up to increase our distance and try a 10K in Jackson, New Hampshire, we did it together – and on our anniversary, no less. Then came our first half-marathon in Hartford, Connecticut. We trained for it together and ran it together.

Then came kids. As any parent knows, our lives changed forever, and we looked back at our childless years, wondering just how we could have thought we were busy then. Running together, except very occasionally, became impossible. So we trained separately, but we still ran our races together. When the time came to go for it and run a marathon, it was again a shared goal.

And that brings me to my latest goal to run five marathons this year as I turn 50. I’ve received a range of reactions, from admiration to non-interest to wondering if I might be a bit crazy. But here’s the truly crazy part – when I told my wife I had decided to run five marathons over the coming year, she said, rather matter-of-factly, “I think I’ll run them with you.”

It’s one thing if you say that you want to take a cruise, or try a new gourmet restaurant, and your spouse expresses a desire to join you. Expressing a desire to join your spouse to run 26.2 miles on five separate occasions is in a different category altogether.

But run these marathons together we do. We ran the Jerusalem Marathon together in March. In May, we ran Geneva together. We’ll be running Athens together in November. And in December, as our fourth marathon, we plan to run San Antonio together. (Our fifth marathon is still to be determined.)

Running the San Antonio Marathon has a special significance. San Antonio is where we met and married.  San Antonio also is where we started running together. So this will be a homecoming of sorts.

All the self-improvement gurus talk about dreaming big and taking on big goals. What most fail to mention is that working toward a big goal can be lonely, even isolating. All that time spent working toward your goal, thinking about your goal, figuring out how to achieve your goal. And then, when you are finally standing on the other side of your goal, although friends might offer their congratulations, few will be able to relate to what you’ve gone through or how you feel.

Fortunately, I don’t have that problem. My best friend and partner in life is sharing this goal with me. We’re both running all five marathons. We each know exactly what it means for the other to run this distance, from the first step at the sound of the starting gun to the last step over the finish line. For the rest of our lives, these marathons will be in our reservoir of shared experiences. And that makes all of it exponentially easier.

Gayle and I share many things. Running is only one of them. But running together all these years has created a powerful added bond, the kind of shared experience and understanding that is vital to any marriage.

I’m not saying that every couple should go out, get matching running shoes, and start racking up the miles together. Running isn’t for everyone.

I’m not even saying that couples should exercise together. I am saying, though, that couples should find some activity – whatever it may be – that they both like and that they can regularly do together.  It doesn’t really matter what – stamp collecting, bird watching, macramé, hang gliding, restoring antiques, miniature golf, making craft beer, floral design, motorcycling – the list is endless. The activity only need be interesting to both spouses and sustainable over the long-term.

Meanwhile, I’m going to go out for another run. I – or rather, we – need to keep training for our next marathon.  

 _________________________

I am running these five marathons for the amazing children and adults at the Israel Sport Center for the Disabled. We have set a goal of $5,000. Every donation of any amount makes a difference. Click here if you want to help us get to the finish line!